In love but confused. Giving but holding back. Panicking but keeping calm.
I do not know the whole story yet but I’m feeling weird. I am not feeling yet but I can sense that tomorrow I’ll get hurt. I do not know what happened. I do not know what is happening. I do not know what will happen. All I know is that I want to cry and I simply do not know why.
Right now, I feel like crap, like a madapaking crap. The reason? I’m pretty sure it’s not the exam nor my current state of restlessness. This is completely internal. I really need an outlet right now but I really can’t broadcast the whole thing. I’m not yet ready. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be.
I smile and laugh a lot these days. I try to stay calm while I paddle like hell underneath but I’m getting pretty tired. THE FUTURE FRIGHTENS ME RIGHT NOW. This indecision is eating me. Just two weeks ago, I was having the weekend of my life and now I’m falling apart. I wish I could just tell the people I love about this but I really can’t. To those who already know, they do so because I was selfish to tell them.
I’m feeling like crap because I was selfish, because I am indecisive and mostly because I’m keeping something from the people I love. I have always been the transparent person but right now, I’m hiding behind this fog. But soon, this shall pass and soon, I’ll be back.
I really need a blog. I hope I can find time to make one soon.
Oh, asan na ung question dito? Sabi ko kasi basahin mo para magkaron ako ng kakampi eh! And why the fuck do you sound like me? THIS IS ALMOST LIKE HOW I TALK TO YOUR SHITHEAD BROTHER, WTH? :)) I love you too, Ate Mommy!! Puntahan na lang kita jaan before I enter Med, chos! I miss you more!
*ambakla na pala natin both but I still love you so no worries!*
Feb 12’s nearing. Everybody’s excited pero bakit ako, hindi?
Siguro kasi nalulungkot ako sa chem at sa bio. Siguro kasi napepressure ako. Siguro kasi abnormal lang ako.
Nagpasukat ako ng gown ko kanina and yeah, somehow natauhan ako na mag18 na pala talaga ako at ang naisip ko kagad, 18 years? 18 years na kong nageexist pero ano na ba nagawa ko? As in inisip ko lahat ng itinuturing kong achievements pero kahit isa parang wala namang value, walang impact at very forgettable. Kung ijajudge ni Simon Cowell, napaka “karaoke” ng performance ko. Tinatanong ko nga sarili ko kung worth it ba na icelebrate ang 18th birthday ko eh parang 18 years lang naman akong nakatambay, pampagulo lang, pang dagdag sa problema ng overpopulation.
Pero nakakatawa kasi sa tuwing makikita ko ang ng ngiti ng mga taong excited na sa debut ko, lalong lalo na ung sa nanay ko, natutuwa na din ako. Naisip ko na lang na kung hindi man ito para sakin, para kay mommy na lang since masaya naman na ko makita ko lang syang masaya.
Don’t get me wrong, gagawin ko ‘to hindi para kay mommy, gagawin ko ‘to para sa akin, sa sarili ko dahil MASAYA AKONG MAKITANG MASAYA ANG NANAY KO!
**marami pa akong irarant tungkol sa debut ko pero ito na lang muna bilang kailangan ko pang mag-aral para sa exams at quizzes ko this week lalo na ung mamaya na. :)) **
At nafifeel kong, isang tao lang ang nagtanong nito at nung before ito. Nope, I haven’t gone out in a formal date yet kasi hindi naman ako nagboboyfriend eh. :) And I have actually considered it… twice! With the same person but it never pushed through so I guess it wasn’t meant to be. HAHAHA!
I just want a nice time. Pa’nong formal ba? Like dinner and all? :)) I don’t really like wearing dress and stuff like that for things as such pero ewan lang. :)) Thinking about it I guess I just want a nice time, lots of talking and walking. I don’t know why. :)) Basta ayoko ng awkward silences though may times na okay ang silence, wag lang awkward! And, kahit pa boyish ako and alam kong kaya ko sarili ko, iba pa rin if gentleman yung guy. Sheeeet, I can’t believe I’m saying this. HAHAHA. Basta sa end nung date, gusto ko lang na mas nakilala ko ung kasama ko at ayokong pagkahiwalay namin eh nagmumura ako and stuff. :))) Not because I’m evil but yeah, I can be mean like that.
OMG! :))
I have to know him muna, like really, really know him! Ayun! Prove me na hindi sya gago. I go out with a lot of people naman, di nga lang exclusive and hindi ung tipong kaming dalawa lang. :)) Pero ngayong less than a month na lang at mag18 na ko at the same time, nafeel ko na parang may kulang, mukang mas madali na akong yayain ngayon provided na walang exam sa chemsssss at bio ko. :)
